now & then

It's been a long while since my last blog post.
A lot can happen within a year, and a lot has certainly occurred in this household.

Since November of last year, Cameron and I have moved back to our home state to be reunited with of all of our immediate family members. He completed his enlistment in the United States Navy and has begun a new job not far from our home. This last year has been yet another year of hardships adventures for us; including moving states [again], Cameron finding another company to participate in, and being blessed with having another baby boy, February of this year. I have since become a stay-at-home Mom, to care for all of my family's needs.

Beckett, our 2nd bundle of joy, was born early this year, almost exactly the same gestation as his older brother, Cayden. Writing this now, I cry tears of grief for our first born, as well as tears of hope for the bright future of our second. And what a confusing and miraculous emotional moment this is.
Beckett was finally released from the Neonatal INtensive Care Unit (NICU), almost four months after he was born, and feeling like we were to ultimately relive the most horrifying days of our lives was difficult to swallow, to say the very least. But as a little strong brave family does, we carried on. We knew that all we could do in such a powerless situation was hold on with all of our might, stick together like glue, and pray.

It is no secret [well, maybe it is to some] that my faith had truly wavered for a time, after the loss our first born child. I couldn't see why I was being so blatantly punished. What I had done to "deserve" such a heart destroying loss. And though I may will never fully understand what the "lesson", "purpose" or "reason" behind our loss was, I DO know that I have learned something, reaching deep inside myself. I have learned that my body can take much more pain than I ever thought was possible. That my heart can hold more love than I ever thought could be felt. It is within our son Beckett, that I have found my reason for being upon this earth, to love him, care for him, and to teach him how to grow up and be the kind of man [like his Daddy], that instills that fierce love in others.
My children are my reason for life. And whether or not they are both here now walking beside me day to day, they teach me how to be a better person. They both teach me how to love with all of your might. How to be kind to everyone you meet, knowing well that you have no idea what kind of a hand they have been dealt in this life.

Our schedule as a family may look slightly different than that of other families you see. We are more home-bound so as to keep baby Beckett [now amazingly 7 months old], healthy and away from large groups to preserve his immune system, we get babysitters grandparents to entertain him so we can go to the grocery store, go to the post office or grab a quick meal, we frequent doctor's offices for check-ups, and have occupational therapists on speed dial... But we also have some "normalcy" in our home, if you can believe it ;) We love our movie nights; We binge watch Netflix, watch the popular television shows, attend some family gatherings, and we stick together like glue. The same glue that held us together through the biggest tragedy in our lives is the same glue that holds us lovingly together through the brightest of days. I can say that without the hope and love instilled in me from my husband & the miraculous love I have been shown daily from our sprouting, handsome baby boy, I would not still have a place in this world. And I am forever thankful that God has created them, especially for me. 

I can say, without a doubt, that my mind and body have been put to the ultimate test in the last few years of my life. I don't believe anyone but me will ever truly know how hard I had to fight for my life. Not only after the two intense, excruciating births I had to endure, but the pain of losing a child, and watching the next suffer with the same struggles.
And as I sit here today writing this to you, I can also say that I have since gotten back into touch with my God. A God that loves me so much that he pushed me and shown me how to stand on my own two feet through loss and discomfort.
It may take me some time to love all the quirky characteristics inside of me, but I know one thing is for sure... I am blessed for all that He has placed before me. More than ever, I welcome the journey. I am blessed.

Mommy & Daddy love you will all of our heart, boys. 

Always.